- beyond his means
‘Audi 100 TDI (C3)’, circa 1990
burgundy
sharp angles, plush brown seats.
stroke them like a creature
the pet you’ve always wanted —
even dead mice
get cradled in your hands.
breaks down, again.
walk to school in black-ice Woolston,
crunch frost-grass underfoot,
puff out visible breath.
gets fixed eventually;
parts from Germany,
so far away.
watch your father’s legs
sticking out between wheels
in his grease-stained blue overalls
embroidered with someone else’s name.
is totalled in a nose-to-tail,
crumpled either end.
confuse the eventual dog by crying
& have whiplash.
‘Audi A4 (B5)’ circa 1990s
midnight black
rounder, softer somehow
leather seats.
adhere to them under the ozone hole.
peel yourself off & into Walham Pool,
leave behind skin cells, chlorine,
& the tang of summer joy.
the one he lets you decorate.
emblazon it with glitter stickers
& on school runs feel magical
in a shimmering chariot
until the man at the WOF place
fails it.
‘Armstrong Siddeley Sapphire 234’, circa 1960
snot-green
nicknamed ‘Waddly Archer’
rattles, rumbles & never quite goes.
sit stationary surrounded by dolls,
pretend to have control.
epitomises your mother’s
fear of driving.
be wide eyes
in a seatbelt-free backseat,
while she bunny-hops around the block
to the tempo of his anger.
is sold one day
in debt desperation.
play with the new Bratz
he buys you from the profit.
‘Audi 5000’, circa 1980
crimson
sits on cinderblocks
killing the grass into its shadow.
watch him take tools from the locked garage
& tinker until it is dark AKA
time for the drinking to begin.
gets sold in panic, having never driven
a single kilometre at his hands.
teach his tense form
how to list things
on lurid Trade Me.
‘Mitsubishi Colt III (C50)’, circa 1990
steely blue
object of his scorn,
generously given;
reluctantly driven.
travel to another island in it &
panic at the gruff, sudden exhalation
of all its oil onto the Bombay Hills,
the greasy slick there for years
of a machine spluttering to its end.
‘Peugeot 407’, circa 2000
silver
diesel
purchased with no consultation
& an entire inheritance.
witness it break, again, again,
wait for parts from France, so far away,
while ‘road user charges’
collect like dust on his city of beer cans.
despite the Audi/Audi/Armstrong/Audi/Mitsubishi/Peugeot
you do not learn to drive.
they are his; you are his
passenger only.
get taught later, as an adult,
by a rag-tag band of heroes
who lead without anger.
he is not in the picture.
‘Honda Jazz’, circa 2000
silver,
simple
your very own.
know he could never stomach
the speed of your freedom.
